My Battle Scars

So yesterday was anti-bullying day. I didn't necessarily participate in wearing purple and such. But it did make me think about my days of being bullied. Not that one can actually escape the past bullying years, because if you've been bullied, it never leaves you. You will always be scarred. This is my story.

I was a happy kid, shy and reserved, but a happy kid nonetheless in my hometown in north Jersey. My father got transferred to another job location in central Jersey. Moving was scary. And I was in the fourth grade at the time, going into fifth. My brother graduated elementary school and that was better for him so he could start anew at middle school. My parents didn't factor in that I was moving in the middle of elementary school, though, and through no fault of theirs perse.

But in doing so, I left all the friends I had since kindergarten and had to start fresh. I was not wholly welcomed in my new environment. Sure, I made friends with the kids down the block who, like our family, moved into a new development in this town. We were all newbies. Unfortunately, they were all younger than me, by several years. So I wouldn't see them in my classes at the new school.

So when many of us newbies got to the new school year, some were taken in, some weren't. I was one of the kids who had no real friends. I was ridiculed for being Chinese and what I looked like. I was teased constantly that I was the smarty-pants, especially because I was Asian. Stereotypes were already made for me at an age I didn't even know what that was or it existed nor did I know about racism! My old school, I had friends that were black, white, christian, catholic, Jewish, Indian, etc. We all mixed and didn't care about color. So, I was thrown into a hostile environment without even knowing there was one to be thrown into!

I managed to make it through elementary school fairly untouched though. But the damage was starting. Middle school and high school, though, were where things got worse. I was not physically bullied, thankfully, but the emotional turmoil, was hell for me.

Other girls mostly, would tease me about my looks (I was not a fashionable young lady) and they'd tease me about the things I liked (New Kids on the Block anyone?) And just general teasing. I was still stereotyped with other kids thinking I should be good at math because I was Chinese or that I should excel in school because of that. I had racist slurs thrown at me as time went on. I had people tease me with racist gestures as well. I never saw myself as Chinese because when I look in the mirror, it's just me. I'm an American just like you. I was born here, my parents were born here. So, I'm an American just like anyone else. But the kids saw it differently.

I had my purse slyly slide across the chemistry lab without me knowing and the kids giggled at me when I realized it was no longer on the back of my chair. I had kids try to knock books out of my arms. I had them call me names. They called me racist slurs and general attacks like how ugly I was or things like that.

The worst, in some ways, was when the boys would tease me saying I was pretty but then snicker behind my back. I've still never gotten over my image complex that they started. I don't trust people, mostly boys/men, who tell me I'm pretty or beautiful. I can't always take a compliment even if I know that person is being honest with me. It embarrasses me because somewhere deep inside, I feel like they are still mocking me instead. If you call me cute, I'm ok with it, because well, I'm such a tiny, cute person, I'm used to that. But if you call me beautiful or other such lovely comments, I don't always tend to believe you. This is what these bullies left behind.

For years, I lacked confidence in myself and the things I did or said. I was smart in my own ways, getting good grades and such but I was never really smart like my brother might be. So I was teased that I was dumb if I asked one "dumb" question.

Only during my first couple years of college did I finally start to come out of my shell. Asking strangers I met in class about a random something, even if it was just about weather or what town they were from. Just to get out there and start fresh. These people didn't have a preconceived notion of who I was like those bullies in high school did. And through time and patience and some very good friends who honestly liked me for me, I became self-confident.

I'm still not totally there yet. I still have anxiety over meeting new people because I am always going to think they are judging me and will dislike everything about me or be fake to my face. But I try to let the confident-me prevail instead and give everyone a fair shake at meeting me.

I've learned the value of living one's life as well. I let bullying hold me back from so many things as a kid for fear of being an outcast even further than I already was and a fear of being judged without merit.  I am learning to live with no regrets because bullying and constant teasing held me back for so long. Now, I go after the things I want and learned there is no shame in trying new things or meeting new people.

Being bullied also taught me the value of being kind to everyone. I may not like you on your own merit once I get to know you, but I do my best to not make snap judgements or of course, to be racist or stereotypical to you either. It taught me to be better person so I do not inflict those scars or pain on anyone else in this world. There's too much damage on this earth that humans inflict on one another, that this is one thing we can control and take matters into our hands. Don't let bullying survive.